I am someone who doesn’t handle losses well. I like to account for everything and I try to find anything I have lost. If you are one who walks with God (that is by faith) you have to realise that there will come a time you will not be able to account for some losses – of things, people or time. Knowing that things that happen do not take Him by surprise, I pray about it. If I still can’t get my head round it as per its location…talking about things now…I let it be and someday when I’m not so keen I either remember or it shows up. Those are the times I repeat my mother’s popular saying “If only these non-living things will just speak up and say ‘see me here’, it will save us energy and time”.
But what do I do when my loss is a person, a relationship?
I withdraw! Deny it, engage myself in other things and believe it is only just a rumour that will go away shortly. I remove myself from it. I am not conversant with the steps encountered during loss or heartbreak according to the books or psychologists, but I know and have first-hand knowledge of the deep pain that cuts through my heart as if my valves have been severed. I actually stop breathing (I felt this during one heartbreak and yup I got my fair share). I think this deep feeling must be something with we-November people, we love too deep and hurt ‘three’ deep and if you enter our PURPLE book…sorry o! It really takes God to get you out of there. Almost like the extreme of the ends. Well, I love God, so you don’t have to worry about entering my PURPLE book because if I don’t forgive you, I don’t get any from Him either. Now back to my talk on loss.
I become silent and ‘busy’…trying not to think of what just happened and then one day the tears come for no reason and fall for a long while, as I relive every moment, miss every smile and hug, every gist and advice, every uniqueness (while trying to breathe). Then I write my heart out. Usually my best poems and articles are written in my pain season, as it draws the deepness in me to the fore. Someone had even refused to date me “because I was too deep” …it’s all good. I found out that writing for me is therapeutic and an outlet to say it as it is and not have to explain myself to anyone. To just weep on the pages of my journal the tears my eyes couldn’t bring, release the ache bearing on my soul. It doesn’t heal my aching heart completely but at least it allows me breathe a bit.
Right now, I’m not sure what I’m rambling about (one of my recovery technique), well while you are trying to understand me, please share how you handle your loss.
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